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| What my brain feels like after a rough day. Dog = rough day. |
Let me backtrack.
If you're a reader of the blog, you know our oldest has Sensory Processing Disorder. His development is behind and when something developmental is going on, he regresses in one way or another. Lately, as he's finding his own voice, he's refusing to listen in class and also refusing to participate in activities at school.
I can understand how hard it is to live in his body. Working in an open office environment is enough to send my system into overdrive. But truly imagine what it's like to live in his body.
Closer your eyes and imagine someone's playing music loudly, another person burned their popcorn, you've been sitting for too long so your legs and tush hurt, a few people near you are talking loudly, the TV is also on, you have to go to the bathroom, and two people just came to your desk to have an in-depth conversation.
Does that sound productive? While you're trying to listen to the two people talking to you, you're trying to block out the pain, the urge to use the restroom, all the noise, and the gross smell of burnt popcorn. It's a lot of work! Now add on that one of those people is using fluffy words and not getting to the point fast enough. You're desperately trying hard to follow but the way you're receiving the information is skewed and confusing.
This is what my oldest deals with on a daily basis. By the time it's ready to clean up and head to lunch, he's depleted his energy and is a complete mess. Usually, he's a mess before that.
So, my vague post on Facebook came from a place of frustration. And the women in my life surrounded me in light and tried to lift me up. It's very hard to admit you have no clue what you're doing but it's nice to have others say "I know the feeling" or "You got this!"
We often tell people "if you ever need anything, let me know - I'm here for you!" but it's so hard to actually say "I need you but I have no idea what I actually need". Sometimes people just need to show up with coffee and ask "what's going on? Tell me everything!"It goes further than saying "let me know when you need me". But I felt the love last night.
I am truly outside of my comfort zone right now. It's very hard to juggle work and family. Kids have schedules and sometimes work gets in the way of that - which isn't fair to them. I have to juggle kids, work, home life, OT appointments, sensory diets, and then my own health.
Work is a struggle right now. If I'm being completely honest, it feels like I'm being pushed out by people who don't fully understand what I do. My schedule is erratic and hectic - which isn't helpful for a work-life balance. There's guilt that gets thrown when you can't make it to a meeting because your kids have lives, too, and they are entitled to have theater activities, sporting events, and private therapies that help them function.
And at the very end of the day, when everyone's asleep, you might find a few moments for your spouse. But what's left for you? There are days where my body just quits on me from all the stress. It can only take so much. But at least I know I have the power of moms behind me and many of them know what I'm going through because they go through it, too. Mamas - I salute you. Our jobs aren't easy but we should all have each others backs. Thank you for having mine.
