Weight Loss Goals and Success

Friends and fans, I have some news but before I get to that, let me back up. When I started this blog, I felt really low because part of this horrid disorder is weight gain. We are prescribed so many pills to subdue our symptoms that we are often left in this downward spiral of shame and sickness. The sickness often happens from side effects caused by the pills prescribed to take away the pain caused by our illness. Following so far? We often feel worse than we did originally but we're told we must take the pills.

I've been on several different anti-depressants used to treat parts of this disorder that are not depression. Side effect: weight gain. I was on medication that had a primary goal of inflating my blood cells with water to keep my blood pressure elevated so I didn't pass out. Side effect: weight gain. I was also put on so many steroids to kill the inflammation that caused my body to hurt. Side effect: weight gain.

See where I'm going with this?

All the meds I was put on, while some were absolutely necessary, caused me to gain 40+ lbs in the course of about four months - before I was even diagnosed with dysautonomia. Once I was diagnosed, and I reached rock bottom, you might remember I sought alternative medical therapy. It did wonders for me. When I used to catch a cold, I would be house-bound and in bed for two weeks. Now I barely bat an eyelash. I am still symptomatic, so please think I'm 100% cured, I'm not but I'm feeling more like myself.

So, the big news?

I lost almost 30 pounds!!!!

I'm three pounds away from the 30 lb. mark! This isn't my ultimate goal mark and it's not even my first goal mark but it's a start! Truthfully, I didn't start this journey to lose weight, I wanted to get healthier and this just kind of happened. I have another 30 lbs to go if I want to be honest with myself but this is a start.

The other day I randomly bought jeans at Costco (yes, I do that now) and thought "maybe I'll try size 10 jeans!" I bought two pairs of pants that were size 10. Both pair fit me like a glove. That hasn't happened since before I gave birth to my oldest child four years ago.

Another goal I had was to be off most of my medication and the only meds I take now are for acid reflux, migraines, allergies, anti-emetics, and birth control. All 100% necessary. I used to take up to 20 meds a day. Now, I take up to five.

All-in-all, I'm very happy with my progress. It's nice to share something positive with you guys.

Grieving Long After Someone is Dead

Grief comes in waves. At least that's what my Rabbi once told me. My mom has been gone for about 18 months now. Almost exactly 19 months. For some reason, lately the grief is harder than it used to be. I think about her more often than I used to.

Maybe it's not "for some reason". I know exactly what that reason is. I used to be able to talk to my mom about work and right now my work is a bit stifling. When you have a chronic illness, you often feel "lucky" to have a job. I know many people who say "You're so lucky that you can get up and go to work everyday!" and "You're so lucky that your company is ok with you working from home so often when you're sick!"

First, let me make one thing clear: I work, at minimum, 60 hours a week. There's nothing "lucky" about that. With or without being sick, I'm overloaded. That's not normal - not even for a healthy person. Second, my work doesn't have to be "ok" with me working from home, they don't have a choice. I either work from home or the work doesn't get done. Simple as that. Last, I feel stuck right now. I'm not getting ahead and my mom would totally understand that. I'm missing the "mom" advice that only she could give.

I'm also missing the advice she could give me on raising my kids.

Both of my grandmothers raised kids without having mothers of their own. Both of their mothers died - although my paternal great-grandmother died in a fire, my maternal great-grandmother died in Auschwitz. Neither of my grandmothers had someone to rely on for "mothering" advice, they had to wing it on their own. I have my sisters, my stepmom, my friends...but I don't have my mom and that kind of sucks. There are things I think she'd understand that my dad or anyone else just understands differently. My mom just understood me differently.

I guess that grief never really ends. Some days it's just more subdued than others.