Losing My Mom - One Year Later

Don't judge a book by her bat mitzvah photo!

A year ago my life changed forever. If you read my story on Kveller you already know that my mom passed away. You probably also know that her death exacerbated my symptoms to the max. But it's a year later - the pain is still here.

We have two dates to abide by for remembering my mom's death: the Gregorian calendar which states she died December 12, 2014; and the Jewish calendar which states my mom died on the 21st of Kislev 5776. This year, that date falls on December 3rd - which is tomorrow. Technically, it starts tonight.

My mom died a few hours after Shabbat came in. That may not have any significance to most of you but it does to me. I asked my FB community to humor me and tell me what it means if someone dies on Shabbat. Their answers were fairly simple: it means the soul gets to rest and the person is a tzadik/as (righteous person). It seems SO fitting for my mom! My mom rarely rested - she was always busy. Even when she was sick - she was busy. She kicked my sister and I out of her hospital room one day because she was busy rescuing 30+ papillon dogs from an auction. Always. Busy.

And the work that she did for animals was definitely something that made her righteous.

But it's a year later. I'd give almost anything to hug her again.

When she first died, I felt her around me a lot. I knew she was round. One day I finally said "mom, I need to heal" and she disappeared. She needed to heal, too. To me, it wasn't healthy for a soul to watch the ones left behind - especially when they are in pain. But it's a year later and I'd like her to come back.

My mom was an amazing person. I learned a lot from her. But I miss her. I still cry a lot. And while this was the WORST year of my life, it's also the year I learned the most about myself. I grew. I became a different version of myself. I think she'd be proud of me, just as I was proud of her.